Me, Myself, and I

I miss you being a part of my life, you’ve impacted it so much an I feel like I had no affect on you. It drives me nuts to think that for you your friendship was just one of many when for me you were one of the best an one I thought I could always count on. Your life is on track now and it just makes me feel like taking me out of your life made everything better. I dont know if knowing you changed me for the better I just know that because of you I’ve been changed for good. Since you I’ve been a different person if someone asked me freshman year if you would have an affect on my life I would have guessed no yet from that school you had the biggest impact. I thought I had impacted yours but now I just think you see me as your down fall and sin.

Its a simple thing to most people, but to me its makes up my whole life. I strongly believe in it, that there is that one person you connect with more then everyone else that person you just need to be with even if its just for a short while. I believe myself to have found this person. Only thing is to him love is controlled by the person as well as by the heart, where I souly believe its from the heart. I know its all a matter of opinion an thats why I’m trying to get over it, but its so much a part of me that I cant seem to get over it easily. Everything  I’ve done the past year has been to try an either win this guy back or more on. Well I’ve finally got him back an he disagrees with such a huge part of me an I’m not sure how this is going to affect us. 

I’m terrified I’m going to lose him again no matter how many times he say I wont its always in the back of my mind. I did it once but I think a second time might just kill me. I love the kid more than anything but how can it work if such a huge part of me he doesnt agree with.

People always tell me that one day I’ll be over you, that it just takes time an one day I’ll wake up an you will no longer be on my mind. Its been over a year an I’m still in the same amount of pain. Its just past midnight your time an all I can think of is that the one person I wanted to wish me a happy birthday didn’t. Last year all I wanted for my birthday was to see you. This year all I hope is that your happy. I know you are though, not because we have talked much but because my best friend makes sure I know because she knows its all I want.

I watched a movie tonight, my mom thinks i asked to watch it because I love the story line. The truth I love watching it because there are moments when you look just like the main guy an I’m not the only one who thinks it some of your best friends do too. I watched it to help me feel closer to you, because I’d rather wake up knowing there is a slight chance I get to see you that day rather than have no chance at all because your thousands of miles away. Unfortunatly you are very far an I never see you but I hope that one day that will be different.

People tell me I’m crazy for still wanting to end up with you since its been so long since you left or even because we dont even talk anymore. I just know one day things will be different, I will see you again, an you can bet I’ll be waiting for forever. Even if the next time I see you its in heaven.

“Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing.This, I’m pleased to announce, is my first good love letter to you. Because there is nothing more for you to do. You already done everything. I have enough of you in my head to last forever. So please don’t ever worry about me. I’m peachy! I really am. I have everything. If i had one wish, it would be that your life brings you a taste of happiness that you have brought to me. That you could feel what it’s like to love.” - Waiting For Forever

I swear every time I think things are looking up or getting better that changes. I try to put everything in Gods hands but being human I crave to try an take control when I have no idea what I am doing. It seems the things I want most in life are the things I don’t end up with in the end. I just have to believe he has a different plan for me, I just don’t know what it is. I’ve never been good with uncertainty. The person I always looked up to when something is going wrong unfortunately I can’t let be there for me anymore. They were what always held me up, but I need to do this on my own with God. I can’t rely on anyone else for support anymore. 

I thought 18 was sort of a whatever year for me not much happened that majorly affected me an was life changing I mean it went by so fast. An well I’ve got about six days left an this is when I’m completely changing. I don’t know if its for the better I just know I need to be left by all those I found a safety net in an relied on for anything. I’m about to lose a lot of people so far its only one an I feel like a part of me is dying. But He will carry me through this an I will come out stronger on the other side because of this.

Oh demi how you get me. “Mistake”

He really does. Not in an relation to a touchable or visible man on this planet but God. People tell you all the time pray an if its His will it will happen when He is ready to give it to you. They say He knows what you want better than you do at times. He knows how your life is suppose to play out an how you will follow His word an Him through out life. The struggles you will face an the nights you feel alone even when He is always there for you. 

Recently this happened to me, He proved to me that even though I had never thought about it or prayed He would give me what I needed an it also happened to be something that made me extremely happy. He is so good to me even in the times when I don’t deserve His grace so much. I just can’t give enough praise to the one who loves me unconditionally.